The Second Year

The Second Year
Jeffrey H. Albrecht
May 31, 2009 1450

I am approaching the one year anniversary of my first day of sobriety which occurred on June 24, 2008. There are time periods we remember in life as markers of events and or the passage of time. Often these times may mark a renewal of thoughts or be the impetus for professional or spiritual growth.

I find myself in the last few weeks giving a great deal of energy to dealing with rampant thoughts and emotions about what has been, what is now, and so much more, what is to come? What I am to make of “it”.  What I am to make of me?
Grateful I am for the nearly  365 one day at a times I have sequentially lived to bring myself to this point. Grateful I am to have the burden of desire to (ab)use mind altering substances lifted for these days as well. Still thoughts may seek to trick me from time to time, triggers in my mind as well as visual cues in my environment may present a challenge for a moment here and then, now easily ignored often by working the scenario to it’s end; Jails, institutions and death. (Ohh my!)
Now I am filled with “Living life on life’s Terms” as my one year marker approaches. And I feel I must focus my thoughts and proceed in a growth of self awareness, acceptance and furthermore to successfully implement actions to satisfy these beginning inklings of self awareness.  For living life on life’s terms for me now must not be the cop out of substance abuse. Perhaps the only way to find peace will be to grow upon my thoughts and ideas not (only) brought on, but focused, by this first anniversary marker.
I’ve often heard that: “Those who are not busy living are busy dying” I believe that is what I am hearing in my radical mood and thought swings. A theme I have heard in life before. I need to begin to implement some enhanced living! 🙂 Enhanced by work, learning and attaining some positive goal. Foremost in my thoughts have been that I must use what “God” has given me, that to squander my intelligence and my sense of right and wrong taught to me by my parents and the Saturday morning Westerns would be not only wrong, but a door to relapse into substance abuse.
I am afraid of success, more accurately I am afraid of attempting the difficult because of a fear of failure and not attaining that goal or success. It is easier not to try, and then to wine about whatever, than it is to make the attempt. Easier because I am afraid that I won’t accomplish the task. I feel that if I don’t embark on a path to define the goal and work towards it’s accomplishment the only road open to me will be active chemical abuse and emotional deadening.